There is something very big rolling around inside me.
I feel like a pinball table with a ball that just won't stop.
It's bouncing of different bits of me.
Not only can I not identify what the ball is
but I can't identify what the different bits it's hitting are.
..... maybe ....
maybe the ball started out as an assignment on
"what the purpose of prayer is"
now it's like a snowball rolling down a hill
it's picked up all sorts of things
and is big and very solid.
It's not a ping pong ball,
more like a 4 inch steel ball bearing
Thud it hits something else
thud - no sleep tonight
- realing too much from being hit again
thud - hit to the head I guess
- no sensible thought going on here
thud - another hit to the things that used to make sense
- and now don't
I have no idea who I am
I have no idea who God is
I have no idea what prayer is
I have no idea what the purpose of prayer is
.... except that it is alwasy "just a little bit more" than what I think it is
RLP talks of different roles
I have roles - yes
but I can't identify them
I have no sense of belonging to anything
In amongst all this confusion . . .
One of my friends really wants to help me do something very different for my 40th birthday
One of my friends wants me to help her run a discussion group - she sees me as a freelance vicar!
One of my friends tells me I talking prophetically to her
do they know who I am?
1 comment:
This lack of...lack of knowing where you are, lack of knowing where you go, lack of a grip on whatever... This "no idea" thing... This seems like an emptying out. Oh, be careful, cause when God sees you really emptied of all the big ideas and certainties and answers...well, God can really use that. Seems God is rolling around in you. Wait on it and be ready. God prefers to supply the big ideas.
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