God is doing something strange in my soul

I spoke to a very wise man the other day.

well I tried to speak to him
he asked a simple question about whether my job was more secure
I explained that in terms of finance yes - I have a job and will be paid
in terms of what I'm doing no they still haven't decided.

all I managed to talk about was my job (which is in the IT sector)
and he stopped me and said
"Do you know that God is doing something really strange in your soul?"
"right now, right at this moment in your life?"

we talked about this - I know God is doing something strange in my soul
not sure I would have quite phrased it like that but it fits
the wise man said that I was also very tranquil about what was happening
it's strange how tranquil to the rest of the world seems like going crazy to me!

I am very aware of God doing something strange in my soul
there are moments that I can almost taste God in the air or smell God on the air
there are bits of writing that I'm falling over in the midst of writing an essay
and I can almost hear God saying - "read this,
this is what you ministry will be like
you will need to really understand about this
these are the things I want you to be known for"

there is no clear picture of a specific job, or path
but there is the fogginess of something there
just out of my reach
and there are moments where a wisp creeps to within my grasp

I've discovered that I need to grab onto each wisp and record it
don't have time right now to reflect on them
but if I don't grab it there and then its gone

there is a settling of my soul,
an much much much bigger understanding of ....
I guess it's Who God is - though that doesn't seem quite right
maybe it's "That God is" rather than Who God is.

A different wise man told me
he thought I was beginning to believe that God believed in me
that's a wisp I need to follow up
I think it's a very big wisp

another wisp is a question asked by the 1st wise man
"Do you know that God loves you?"
it isn't a question I can answer
love isn't something I can really understand because of my experiences
my answer - "God and I have an understanding
I understand as much as I can at the moment "
sometimes wonder if I'll ever really know

So why did my Old Testament Essay take so long?

Like ivy all over a house
there was something all over me,
it’s tendrils sinking into the very depths of my soul.

But unlike ivy this couldn’t just be torn off.
Each tendril had to be traced and then gently extracted.
These were the tendrils of a very angry, frustrated, lonely 6 year old.

The 6 year old did get hurt as this was happening
and I had to reassure her that it was for the right reasons,
that I really have her best interest at heart.

I had to find a way through the essay
A way of writing an academic essay
that was what I wanted to say
and not what I thought the tutor wanted to read.

The 6 year old needed to be heard,
and needs to know that being angry is not stupid,
that disagreeing with adults is not stupid,
that adults should allow you to think your own thoughts
and not what they want you to think,
that her thoughts are real, and not imaginary.

I have to allow my own way of thinking to become …
Just to become
In the same way that we need to learn to just be.

My thoughts need to be allowed to become
To become thoughts
Thoughts of an angry lonely 6 year old
Thoughts of wisdom
Thoughts of beauty
Thoughts of being

Just to become

But sometimes an adult has to stop a 6 year old from hurting herself,
and she and I have to find ways of allowing her to express her self safely,
and we will continue to work on this
and the essay was written and handed in
and the new testament essay was a little bit easier
and the current essay…
happening very slowly, reflections on funeral services

the inspiration within me
listening to the 6 year old as well as the 40 year old
and some how an essay will appear.