Another night that my soul bleeds

It's amazing sometimes the things I will do to avoid going to bed.
It's late and I've been cleaning the Kitchen.
Recently a friend came and helped me de-clutter and spring clean the Kitchen.
it's the only room in the house that's in any sort of order, the only "grown-up" room in the house. And I quite like being in it.

I've found a piece of music that right now says exactly what I want to pray, and is often on repeat, playing whilst I wash-up,
playing while I clean,
praying while I clean.

I've had one of those very strange days.
I've spoken to no-one.
I work in an office of about 100 people
currently on an account of over 600 people
at a site with thousands of people
and I spoke to no-one - no phone calls no-one.
Last night the phone kept ringing, tonight nothing.

I might as well have not existed today - no-one would have noticed I wasn't there.

I came home to a job application.
It's a job other people think I could do, it's less responsibility than one a few weeks ago that I thought I could do. But there is absolutely no confidence in me that I could even fill the form in let a lone handle the interview or the job.

Are the two connected?
left entirely in my own company
my confidence ceases to exist? ......hmmmm

A few years ago the Church of England rejected me.
My take on it tonight is I am damaged goods.
Too damaged for the Church of England to see my potential.
Too damaged for them to take the risk.

I am not too damaged for God
in fact right now it is being damaged that links me with him.

I once wrote to the 14 year old me.
I wrote something like this.

"I guess if you said to me that you thought your heart had broken, you'd expect me to say it didn't, it might have felt like it, but it didn't really break.

Well that's not true.
It did break
into a million pieces
and Jesus is what holds those pieces together.
It is an incredible job, He has to hold them together enough so your heart still functions, it still beats, it still pumps blood around your body.
And at the same time he can't hold the pieces too loosely other wise the blood just pours out.

Jesus is right there in the middle of you covered in all the gore of your broken heart keeping it working without leaking blood in the wrong places."

Sometimes I think some of the pieces have started to knit together, and sometimes I still see the not quite a million other pieces still so vulnerably held together.

tonight is another night that my soul bleeds.