Severed from the common thread of my life

My Spiritual Director on Friday said that despite how confusing life feels to me at the moment he could see a very strong common thread weaving all aspects of my life together. However when I asked him what the thread was he couldn't really answer. His answer was a cop out (which he knew) and was along the lines of "it's an inner thing - somthing inside you". We also discussed when this particular thread might have started, but didn't come to any conclusions.

Thinking about it now, the image that the common thread that had been in my life was cut very abruptly (by others), is quite a good way of describing how I felt - "severed from the common thread of my life". At the time it seemed I was completely severed but maybe it was with a very blunt knife and that there were still straggly bits of the thread hanging on to things. For more than a year I have lived threadless - aimlessly wandering through life, stopping the things that were part of the previous thread - stopping them gently rather than abruptly as many of them affected other people not just me. May be that's part of this new thread - that untill I put down all things of the old thread I still had my hands too full to pick up this new thread. What is this thread? even if it is an inner thing what is it? what colour? what texture? how strong is it? will it be weaved with other threads to be stronger brighter more beautiful? will it have knots in it? decorative knots or just tangled knots? Whatever it's strength will this one also be severed by others? severed by me? will it come to a genlte end, or become part of some one elses weaving?

Smirging on the beach

Smirging a cross between smudging and merging

We were watching the wind blowing some dry sand across the top of the wet sand and I said it was smirging the patterns made by the wet sand and the sea. I likened it to the Holy Spirit smirging our patterns.

For me Faith is about being the person that God created me to be
The [Idle Pilgrim] that God created me to be

S. said something about you are the person that God created now … I think he was trying to say that God created me and totally passionately adores me. Yes my head gets that (don’t think my heart does!) I know logically that Christ died for me – if I changed nothing more. But I am not the person God created me to be. I have been molded by the things I have encountered in my life.

There is a big debate about are we who nature has created or who our parents have nurtured. They both play a part. The decisions made by my parents had an impact on my life. The decisions my grandparents made had an impact on my parents and hence on me. My great grandparents…

Whether I lived in the country or the town. Whether my parents set good examples of enjoying sporting activities or the more cerebral activities. I will have picked up from parents and grandparents how I behave towards other people. The schools that I went to had some impact, the friends that I made, and the enemies that I made. All the things that have happened to me have changed me – as I grow I change. Some of the changes are good changes. I am wiser now than I was (honest!) a little happier maybe. Some of the changes are not so good .. I’m never going to be a ballerina or a gymnast! I don’t think that I am the[Idle Pilgrim] that God created me to be. I also think that I may never be the [Idle Pilgrim] that God created me to be… I believe that God’s call is “come and share with me” and that when I can fully share with him, completely no hesitation, no doubts or worries then may be I will be… will that be this side of Heaven? I don’t know.

Some of us are closer to the person God created us to be than others.

Some people as they draw closer to God, as they share more and more with him they find a clear idea of vocation, of lifestyle, job, career that enables them to share with God. Something that helps them understand a bit more about the person that God has created them to be. And some of us struggle on. I suspect some of us will always struggle on. For me I need to allow God to work on changing some of the patterns that I have created for me or that have been created for me. One of the reasons that I was not recommended [for ordination training] is that I give too much of myself. I am too hard on myself and don’t allow myself to ‘be’ enough. It is a pattern that I need to allow God to work on. Not in order that I can train to be a priest… but in order that I can become more the[Idle Pilgrim] that God created me to be. I need some help – I need the holy spirit to help me change some of my patterns. Like the wind blowing the dry sand on the beach I need the Holy spirit to smirge some of my patterns to make new patterns.

Drama, and faith and heart-crushing...

it's very late so this might not work but I'll try any way

I was reading the comments for Too Obscure I Guess from RLP's blog and didn't get past the first comment by jessi as I read "I love reading it, drama and faith and heart-crushing and God and all" I thought "that's the problem church is heart-crushing both at the moment and all that has happened to me this year. The sadness that statment inspires is so dark - church should be about light not darkness.

there is more to this but it's late and I have a busy week ahead of me.

one final thought :
what is the point of a silent prophet?

why do I not write

writing like many things is good for me and I don't do it.
possibly lots of types of writing

• mind streaming at the begining or end of the day
• reflective writing on some aspect of my life (spiritual, work, emotional)
• creative writing - it has been a very long time since i played with a piece of writing
• the sermons that I write... well wrote (don't preach at the moment)
• poetry - usually when I am low I write poetry some as a commentary on the lowness of life and some on the hope that I long to see but is just out of view

more writing!