what's new?
well my body doesn't work as well as it used to
I'm in a different church
and I've been unemployed for a year in 4 days time
today I found out that yet again I came second in an interview for a job
for the 5th time I've come second
trouble is second doesn't really help
second just doesn't get you the job
earlier I wanted to write but couldn't think who to write to
couldn't think who might begin to understand where I am
even the wise men admit they can't quite understand where I am
they don't think I'm in a bad place
and from their view point they think I'm in a really exciting place
but they do understand that I am finding it a hard place
I am in a learning place
learning to trust in God
learning to trust that there is a God
learning to hear the phrase "I'm sure God has a job for you"
without asking "what do you mean?"
to the people that say it
because they don't know what they mean
it's a lonely place
mostly of my own making
I guess it's my pride that makes me think I have nothing to tell anyone
I am nearly 44 and have nothing to show for my life
except things I find difficult to explain
a better understanding of myself
but at the same time the realisation of just how little I really understand myself
and my knowledge of God has grown but by an infinitesimally small amount
these things don't seem to compare with families and careers
how do you explain about an exploring being a contemplative
in a very noisy and materialistic society
especially when you are very reluctant about the whole idea yourself
well at least I remembered a place I could write
after two and a half years
no-one will be watching
