One grain at a time

The image of volcanic rage is obviously itself an expression of the release of pressure. The full dustbin was the final straw. All the other stuff building up.

my world collapsed
not a big blow up kind of collapse
not a volcanic eruption
more like a sand dune in the desert
encroaching one grain of sand at a time

everything collapsed in on me
I was existing only
not living

I went to work
even did some work
I showered and I washed my clothes
when I'd run out of mugs or plates I washed up
I turned up at church
I even managed to preach
and to lead services
but I was slowly dieing
as my world collapsed in on me
one grain at a time

grief
hidden grief
unexplored and unknown
misunderstood grief by some
ignored by others
grief I didn't understand
collapsing in on me one grain at a time

everything collapsed
church - the people aspects seem to be there
but I felt we were losing the reverence and awe
the ritual and sacredness that are so important to me
so even church was collapsing
one grain at a time

in amongst this collapsing
God's voice was getting stronger
more insistent
more obvious
more present
more powerful
collapsing in on me
one grain at a time

and people couldn't see I was collapsing
they could see the presence of God
falling on me
so how could I be collapsing
one grain at a time?

God was in my face
in my mouth
in my lungs
in my breathing
in my soul
in my head changing my thoughts
always there interfering
always there
insistent
obvious
present
filling my very being
ONE GRAIN AT A TIME

the same way that others have interfered with me before
filling my soul with pain and anguish
filling my soul with self loathing and disgust
ONE GRAIN AT A TIME

God was doing it this time!

but ...

why would he do that?

if what others have said could possibly be true
that he loves me then why would he do that?

grain after grain slowly fell into place
I slowly began to hear the words
that God had been pouring over me
One grain at a time

My love is real
My love is real
it is not the love talked of by those that did this
My love is real
every single grain of it is real

this time he was emptying my soul of self loathing and disgust
this time it was the pain of cleaning and repair
the anguish became the itch of healing
One grain at a time

I now know I am loved
loved beyond any reason
beyond any doubts I might have
with real love
every single grain of my being is loved

but all the change causes pressure
and the pressure came out
it did not come out one grain at a time
but in a volcanic eruption

Crucified by my volcanic rage

Good Friday the rage came out.
I did not hurt myself
I did not hurt any one else

The trigger was my neighbor yet again filling my dustbin.
Rage that was completely disproportional to the trigger.
but volcanic rage nevertheless.

The trigger was that I was trying to do the right thing
and I couldn't, I couldn't because of some one being really inconsiderate
I saw it as my being punished because I didn't put myself first
because I am considerate I lost out
It has always been the case.
I am intuitive, it has taken me 40 years to accept that.
I think it means that in some situations I can be more aware of others than people think is possible. That at an early age I was compassionate, in a way the adults around me didn't understand. And therefore they didn't believe I could think or feel the way I did.

Good Friday
Volcanic rage
Christ - my Christ
my friend
my Lord
my lover
my hearts desire
my souls companion
my Saviour
crucified
crucified by my volcanic rage
crucified by the unrighteousness of things done to me
crucified by the unrighteous things I have done
Christ - my Christ
my friend
my Lord
my lover
my hearts desire
my souls companion
my Saviour
crucified
crucified by my volcanic rage

The short version.

So much for my plan.

Things didn't go the way I expected.
I don't have enough time to go into detail at the moment, and will try to write later in the week but the short version is:-

rage big enough to raise a volcano,
to destroy my dinning room,
to decimate all the peace and simplicity of my life
overtook me.

And in order to regain some semblance of calm I watched the TV.

The rage is still there, bubbling under the surface and I need to make time to explore it. I know where it comes from and what triggered it but I need to consider it within the Light of Christ.

No Blogging until after Easter Morning

Erica (see comments from previous blog) has 6 weird things about her.
One of my many, many , many weird things is that I am very attuned to the church year, and as part of that this year I decided that from tonight I would turn off all unnecessary power, until the Easter Light is risen.

So no TV, Computer, Radio, already don't have any heating. Will use the electric shower, and lighting when I need it for safety. I'll still need to use the kettle to washup, but will be eating very simply, and drinking mostly water. Not turning off fridge, freezer and need to wash my work shirts tonight so I can dry them - very difficult drying clothes with no heating when you're at work all day so can't hang them up outside!

No Blogging until after Easter Morning.

Have a though provoking Good Friday
a puzzling Easter Saturday
and a Great Easter Day.